“Don’t Feel, Just Function”: The Rule of Emotional Suppression
Many of us learned, consciously or unconsciously, that feelings were unsafe.
Whether it came from family, work, relationships, or lived experience, the message was clear:
"Don’t feel. Just get on with it."
This rule can help you survive difficult environments, but in adulthood, it often becomes a trap. It leaves people detached from their emotional lives, struggling to connect, or wondering why they feel “flat” even when everything looks fine on paper.
Where This Rule Comes From
It’s too simple to say this always begins in childhood. Yes, early experiences can plant the seed:
Growing up with emotionally unavailable caregivers.
Being punished, mocked, or dismissed for expressing feelings.
Learning that love or approval depended on being “easy” or “low-maintenance.”
But emotional suppression can also develop or intensify later in life. It adapts to context and survival needs:
Workplaces that reward stoicism and see vulnerability as weakness.
High-stakes roles (e.g., military, emergency services) where emotions are sidelined to stay functional.
Toxic relationships where showing hurt is unsafe or weaponised.
Chronic stress or trauma that trains the body to shut down feelings in order to cope.
At its core, this rule is not a flaw. It’s an intelligent adaptation to environments that didn’t feel safe for emotional expression. But over time, what once helped you cope can become a barrier to living fully.
How It Shows Up Now
When "Don't feel, just function" follows you into adulthood, it can look like:
Constantly staying busy to avoid emotional discomfort.
Turning to alcohol, food, or screens to numb feelings.
Struggling to name what you feel or feeling “flat.”
Finding that emotions come out suddenly, often as anger, when they’ve built up too long.
Feeling guilty or weak for needing help.
You might even pride yourself on being “strong,” even as part of you feels disconnected or exhausted.
A Psychotherapeutic Lens
In therapy, this rule often shows up as clients saying:
“I don’t know how I feel anymore,” or “If I open up, I’m scared it won’t stop.”
Here’s how I might work with this:
Creating Safety First: Therapy doesn’t push you into overwhelming emotional territory. Together we build a foundation where you feel safe enough to explore, at your pace.
Naming and Noticing: Sometimes, simply having language for your feelings changes everything. Identifying them reduces fear and brings clarity.
Understanding the Origin: We explore how and why this rule formed not to blame, but to understand how it served you, and how it no longer does.
Regulating the Nervous System: Using techniques like breathwork, grounding, or somatic awareness, we help you feel emotions without being consumed by them.
The goal isn’t to “let it all out” uncontrollably, but to develop a healthy relationship with your feelings, one where they inform you without overwhelming you.
You’re Allowed to Feel
If you’ve lived by the rule “Don’t feel, just function,” rest assured, this was never about weakness it was survival.
But healing means learning that emotions aren’t dangerous. They are signals that connect you to your needs, your relationships, and yourself.
Therapy offers a space to unlearn this rule, step by step, and reclaim your full emotional range safely, compassionately, and without fear of being “too much.”
Key Takeaway:
You don’t have to keep functioning on autopilot. Feeling doesn’t break you. It frees you.