“If I Can’t Control It, I Can’t Cope”: The Rule of Hyper-Control
We all like to feel in control. It makes life predictable, manageable, and safe. But for some, control becomes more than a preference, it becomes a rule for survival. “If I can’t control it, I can’t cope.”
At first glance, this might sound logical. Control brings order keeping the chaos at bay. But when control hardens into a rule, life narrows. Every unpredictable event feels threatening. Every change feels dangerous.
Where This Rule Comes From
This rule often begins in environments where unpredictability felt unsafe, growing up in a volatile household, experiencing trauma, or being conditioned to anticipate danger. But it can also evolve gradually through adulthood… relentless stress, repeated disappointments, or workplaces that reward perfectionism over flexibility.
Control then becomes armour, it protects you from pain, until it starts to weigh you down.
How It Feels in the Body
When clients talk about control, they often describe their body working just as hard as their mind:
Tension in the shoulders.
A tight chest or shallow breathing.
Difficulty relaxing, even at rest.
Digestive discomfort or headaches linked to stress.
This isn’t a coincidence. When the nervous system is stuck in fight-or-flight, the body is primed to anticipate danger, even when none is present. The drive to control is, in many ways, an attempt to soothe that physiological alarm.
Somatic Work: Releasing the Grip from the Inside Out
Therapy isn’t only about “thinking differently”, but also feeling safe enough in your own body to let go. Somatic work helps by calming the nervous system, creating a foundation for psychological flexibility.
In sessions, this might include:
Grounding techniques: Feeling your feet on the floor, anchoring into your senses.
Breathwork: Slow, diaphragmatic breathing to signal safety to the body.
Progressive muscle relaxation: Learning how to spot and release hidden tension.
Interoceptive awareness: Noticing bodily cues of anxiety before they spiral.
When the body learns that it is safe, the mind no longer needs to control everything to feel secure.
How Therapy Helps Loosen the Grip
We don’t start by asking you to “just let go.” Instead, therapy creates a space where loosening control happens gradually, step by step:
Psychoeducation: Understanding how hyper-control is wired into your nervous system helps dismantle shame.
Cognitive reframing: Challenging catastrophic thinking and reframing uncertainty as an opportunity, not a threat.
Regulation and resilience work: Learning practical techniques to bring yourself out of fight-or-flight.
Gradual experiments: Safely testing what happens when control loosens, building trust in your own adaptability.
A Different Kind of Strength
Control isn’t inherently bad, it keeps us organised and can protect us in difficult times. But when it becomes our only strategy, it leaves us rigid, anxious, and exhausted.
Therapy offers a path toward a different kind of strength; one built on physiological calm, emotional flexibility, and trust that even when life surprises you, you can cope.