“Be Useful or Be Gone”: The Rule of Conditional Worth
Some rules are never written down, yet they shape how we love, work, relate, and how we view ourselves. This is one of them:
"If you’re not helping, fixing, performing, giving… you’re not worthy of love."
The belief that your value lies in what you do, not who you are, runs deep. For many, it becomes a blueprint for survival. But survival is not the same as living.
This is the Rule of Conditional Worth, and it quietly exhausts the very people it claims to keep safe.
The Useful Child Becomes the Useful Adult
You may have been the one who kept the peace, made the tea, stayed out of the way, got the grades, cleaned the kitchen, or carried someone else’s emotions.
You may have learned early on that praise came when you achieved something. Love came when you made things easier. Affection was conditional on usefulness, and restlessness became your way of staying safe.
Now, as an adult, you might still feel driven to earn your place:
in your relationship
at work
in your friendship group
even in therapy
What It Looks Like Now:
This unspoken rule doesn’t always shout, it whispers:
“Don’t rest, you haven’t earned it.”
“If I stop, I’ll be forgotten.”
“If I’m not helping, I’m in the way.”
“If I say no, they’ll stop loving me.”
You might find yourself over-functioning, doing too much for others while neglecting yourself. You might fear being seen as lazy, selfish, or ‘too much.’ You may feel depleted but unable to stop, because what would be left if you weren’t useful?
This belief is often disguised as a strength. It might even be rewarded in the workplace or admired socially. But the cost is chronic self-abandonment.
From Conditional Worth to Inherent Worth: How Therapy Can Help
In psychotherapy, we hold space for the idea that your worth is not tied to your productivity, performance, or perfectionism.
That shift can feel deeply uncomfortable at first. Therapy often brings a sense of “What’s the point of talking about me?” or “I don’t want to waste your time.” These are echoes of the rule, the idea that taking up space without offering a solution is somehow shameful.
But this is where we begin.
Here’s what that might look like in our work together:
Exploring Origins - Gently looking at when and how this belief was formed, and who benefitted from it.
Processing Guilt - Working through the emotional residue of choosing rest or saying no.
Reclaiming Space - Allowing you to exist fully, even when you're not helping, fixing, or giving.
Unhooking Self-Worth from Productivity - Learning to feel at home in your own presence, not just your usefulness.
Therapy doesn’t ask you to abandon your compassion or competence, no, it helps you build the internal sense that these aren’t your price of entry into love or belonging.
It’s OK to Be Here, Just as You Are
If this resonates, it may be because you've spent a long time trying to prove you're enough.
But here’s something you might not have been told:
You don’t have to earn love by shrinking yourself, exhausting yourself, or erasing your own needs.
You are already enough.
If you don’t believe that yet, therapy is a place to start remembering.