“Don’t Talk About It”: The Rule of Silence
“What you don't talk about controls you more than what you do.”
There’s a rule that lives in many families, workplaces, cultures, and relationships, a rule so embedded that it rarely needs to be spoken aloud:
Don’t talk about it!
Don’t mention the argument that shattered the room. Don’t bring up how ill Mum really is. Don’t ask why your sibling disappeared for three years. Don’t mention the drinking, the depression, the affair, the pain.
Just keep going. Keep the peace. Keep up appearances. Keep quiet.
It’s not always harsh or threatening. Sometimes, it’s passed down with care, a kind of inherited coping strategy. Other times, it’s reinforced by fear, shame, or the silent weight of consequences. But either way, the rule of silence shapes lives.
Where the Rule Comes From
The “Don’t Talk About It” rule often begins with good intentions. Families avoid painful topics because they don’t want to fall apart. Parents silence difficult truths because they’re overwhelmed. Communities hold secrets to preserve identity, safety, or a sense of order.
In therapy, we often find that this rule was originally born in environments where speaking the truth would have led to danger, be it emotional, relational, or even physical. Silence became a survival tool and a shield.
But what helped us survive back then can quietly imprison us now.
What Silence Costs Us
Silence doesn’t make pain go away. It merely buries it, sometimes so deeply that we forget it’s there. But unspoken things don’t disappear. They leak out in other ways:
In anxiety that doesn’t seem to have a source.
In relationships strained by misunderstandings.
In physical symptoms, chronic tension, or burnout.
In the way we struggle to trust others or ourselves.
Children especially are experts in feeling what isn’t said. They sense grief in the room, anger behind the smiles, fear behind the rules. When there’s no explanation, they fill in the blanks, and the stories they invent often centre around their own inadequacy.
“I must be the problem.”
“I’m too much.”
“If I speak up, I’ll ruin everything.”
What Breaking the Rule Looks Like
Let’s be clear; breaking the silence isn’t easy. It may feel like disloyalty. It may stir guilt, fear, or backlash. But choosing to speak, even gently, even privately, even to a therapist, is an act of reclamation.
It says:
“I deserve to understand my story.”
“I can handle the truth.”
“I am no longer willing to carry what isn’t mine in silence.”
It doesn’t have to mean dragging everything into the open. It might begin with naming something for yourself. Writing it down. Saying it out loud once. Therapy can be a sacred space for that first unspoken sentence.
If You Grew Up With This Rule
If silence was a survival strategy in your upbringing, you may now struggle to:
Name how you feel.
Talk about needs, especially if they feel “too much.”
Tolerate conflict without shutting down.
Know what’s real versus what’s being presented.
None of this is a flaw in you. It’s the echo of a system you were part of. The good news is, systems can change, starting with one voice, one truth, one sentence spoken aloud.
Try This: A Gentle Challenge
Ask yourself:
What are the things I learned not to talk about?
Who taught me that? What were they afraid of?
What might shift if I said just one thing out loud, even just to myself?
You don’t have to shout your story. You don’t even have to tell it all at once.
But you do deserve to be free of its silence.
Final Thought
Silence can be a kindness. But when it becomes a rule, rigid, unquestioned, absolute, it becomes a prison. Speaking is not just about being heard. Sometimes, it’s about hearing yourself for the first time.
You’re allowed to break the rule.